五重奏老板
电梯里孤零零地站着一个小个子的黑发男人，他穿着破旧的灰色西装，身上还有新鲜的晒斑。度假回来工作总是一件令人沮丧的事。费格斯·凯利(Fergus Kelly)几乎立刻就开始想念他在圣芭芭拉的小旅馆房间了。嗯，还有明亮的阳光、海岸和美食…但在这里，他能拥有的只寒酸的办公室，空调也坏了，还有一个糟糕的老板——电梯经过销售部所在楼层时，费格斯左右晃动身体，他想了一会儿。哦，对了。他的老板被解雇了。他假期刚过了一天，就收到朋友山姆的短信。这是一年内的第三个老板。他默默地握紧拳头，笑了。罗布是个糟糕透顶的经理，可以说比之前的那两个还要糟糕。肯定没人会怀念他，幸灾乐祸了一会儿之后，费格斯才想起今天上午还会有一个新老板等着他。第四个老板。他记得在日本，4是一个不吉利的数字，很像西方的13。费格斯松开了拳头，然后一个接一个地掰响了指关节。
当他到达自己的楼层时，他观察了一下房间里的气氛。同事们埋头苦干，不是打字就是打电话。这看不出什么问题。他看了看表;刚过九点。他赶紧走到电脑前。山姆已经在旁边的电脑上打字了。他是一个瘦子，像一个刷得干干净净的稻草人。费格斯坐下的时候他咧嘴一笑，无声的说了句“你好”。这是个坏兆头。山姆有点怠工，他喜欢聊天，工作不太专心。这么安静可不是他的风格。
“很高兴回来。”费格斯把办公椅拉到桌前笑着说。山姆立即环顾四周，然后把一根手指举到唇边。
“嘘！韦德会听见的。他低声说，然后指着自己的屏幕。他在屏幕上打开记事本。费格斯点了点头，也做了同样的动作，然后输入了一条信息:
“这有点奇怪。”
“新老板，她是个十足的战斧。我绝对不是骂她。”
“我还以为你说的是韦德呢？你是指韦德·兰伯特吗？"
“他是老板的助理。可怜的家伙。”
“助理？韦德是个混蛋。"
“是的,但…你会知道的。费格斯眉头紧锁。他尽量小声打字，因为他试图理解发生了什么。
“你会 -”
山姆刚打了这几个字，门开了，韦德·兰伯特走了出来，显然很不高兴。他匆匆走过几个看上去很吃惊的同事。幸运的是，他碰巧和费格斯对视了一下，就在他面前停了下来。韦德是个大块头，留着黑色的山羊胡子，长着一双黑眼睛。他粗鲁而直率，是那种以粗鲁为诚实的人。他从来就不喜欢费格斯，这种感觉是相互的。大个子男人低头看着小个子同事，嘲笑他。
“坏运气,费格斯。该你了。”他朝经理的办公室敞开的门歪歪头说。
“嗯？”
“我不干了。老板想要一个新助理，就是你。”
“但是——”
“如果我是你，我就赶快进去。她有点……”
韦德迅速推开这位困惑的办公室职员，然后冲出了房间。所有在工作的人都伸长了头，看着那个魁梧的坏脾气离开。然后，慢慢地，所有的脑袋都转了过来看着费格斯。空气突然变得非常安静。他感到额头上冒出一颗汗珠。
“倒霉,伙计。山姆摇着头说。"希望她对你比对韦德宽容些。"
“天哪，山姆，谁是我们的雇主，瑟曦·兰尼斯特？”
“我不看那剧。”
“你太让我失望了，山姆。”
“别慌，伙计，别当韦德那样的工具。放聪明点，保持冷静，好吗？”费格斯深吸了几口气，给自己打气。“好的，在我进去之前有什么我应该知道的吗？”他问道。山姆犹豫了一下。
“不，她只是个混蛋。不过你可以应付的。”
“你是对的。我早餐吃混蛋。”
“听起来不健康。”
“请尊重我的生活方式选择。现在我...”他站起来，走了几码，然后停了下来。
“你们不用看着我走，你们让我很紧张！”他对着房间里的人说。在场的每个人都突然回到工作岗位，空气中充斥着敲击键盘的声音。费格斯又深吸了一口气，小心翼翼地走到经理办公室门口，敲了敲门。没有回答。
“喂？”他说。他突然想起他忘记问新老板的名字了。好吧，现在太晚了。他从门里探出头来。“我听说你会——”
他倒吸了一口气，然后不知所措地捂住了自己的嘴。看上去很舒适的转椅上坐着一个穿着带扣子灰色套装和裙子的大胸女人。胸口正中可以看到一点红色的胸罩。这是新经理是女性的最大、最明显的线索，因为她没有头！对，没有头！在应该是头部的地方盖着金属质地的圆盘，一个绿灯偶尔闪烁。她也完全没有四肢；她的西装外套甚至没有袖子，裙子塞在臀部下面。她完美地坐着，看上去并没听见费格斯进了房间，她的胸脯起伏着，这是惟一有生命的迹象。这就是可怕的新老板？
他站在房间的中间，看着那具活生生的躯干，在过去的两周里，它显然让办公室陷入了恐慌。费格斯回头看了看办公室，寻找一些迹象表明他刚刚成为精心策划的恶作剧的受害者，但每个人都低下了头，埋头苦干。他走进经理的房间，随手关上门，走到椅子的主人面前。她还是一动不动。她会说话吗？她甚至有任何感觉吗？
“你能听见我说话吗？”他问。没有回答。弗格斯开始觉得有点可笑。他应该在这里做什么，在她的肩膀上拍莫尔斯电码祝好运？看上去他别无选择，他伸出手轻轻地拍了拍新老板的肩膀。明显有反应了；她蠕动了一下，然后又一动不动了。接着她旁边的桌子上有一种震动的声音。弗格斯看到了一个小巧的，看起来很便宜的手机，就像你以前看到的那种廉价的一次性手机。他走过去捡了起来。有一条新消息：
“嗯。你还算准时。名字？ ”
白色屏幕上显示着黑色字体，粗体，全大写。弗格斯看了看手机，然后又看了看坐在椅子上的女人。他盯着她。她刚给他发了短信？几秒钟后，手机又震动了一下，发出一条新信息。
“喂？呃，上一个家伙也这样子。对，我在和你说话，你这个笨蛋。回我短信。 ”
这些信息的传递速度远远超过任何正常人用手发短信的速度。他没时间慢慢思考背后的机制，只能立刻写了一条回复。
“你好，我叫弗格斯，”他写道。几秒钟后回复就来了。
“你是我的新助理。从现在起，我说你做。知道了？ ”
“是的”
“很好。现在去给我来杯黑咖啡。”
费格斯犹豫了。这里有一个明显的问题要问…他的手指又在键盘上翻飞。
“对不起，但你要怎么喝呢？”
“通过我的屁股。”
“真的？”他回复道。当回复发送到手机时，她的躯干在座位上晃动。
“不，显然不是，你这个白痴。我的脖子上有一个口子。倒进去，天才。砍砍！说话前先动动脑子！”
困惑的弗格斯跌跌撞撞地走出经理办公室，从他的同事身边走过。 当他经过他的旧办公桌时，他听到了一阵窃笑。
"谢谢你提醒我，山姆"
“哈哈哈。好吧，没头的提醒有头的。”
“滚出去。”
费格斯迅速走到咖啡机旁泡好黑咖啡，然后飞快地回到办公室。他拿起电话，发了一条短信。
“好的，咖啡到了。”他发短信说。然后回复在他放下电话之前就到了。
“别用缩写。现在让我来点咖啡因。”
他放下杯子，走到椅子上那个没有头没有四肢的女人身边，仔细检查她的衣领。上面原来有两个洞。其中一个上面有个网盖，他可以看到它在移动的涟漪。他把手放在上面，感受着她温暖的呼吸。正如她所说的，另一个洞被盖住了。他按下一个灰色的小按钮，它弹开了。往下看能看到了她深红色的喉咙。他为看到的惊讶了一秒钟。看一个他刚认识不久的女人张开的喉咙，感觉有种奇怪地亲密……
电话再次震动，促使他采取行动。“是啊，是啊……”他对自己说，拿起那杯微凉的咖啡。他小心翼翼地把一些水倒进小洞里，看着水消失在黑暗中。躯干抽搐了一下，手机里传来了另一条信息。
“不要一下子把它倒进我的喉咙里！很烫！"
“对不起！"费格斯脱口而出，然后才想起他的老板实际上是个聋子。他迅速发了一个道歉的短信，然后放慢了他倒的速度。她明显没有舌头，这意味着她可能甚至尝不出咖啡的味道——就像她说的，这对她来说可能只是咖啡因的刺激。这就是他这一天的安排吗？站在一个五重截肢的人--这是很显而易见的事情--面前，往他的脖子上倒饮料？事实证明这很平常。
“如果你还没傻掉的话，现在启动我的电脑。我们有工作要做。"
她在座位上转了个身，好像很舒服似的。 然后她又发了一条短信。
“你甚至都没问过我的名字。真是粗鲁。”
糟糕，我完全忘了！费格斯想了想，赶紧抓起电话。
”抱歉。你叫什么名字？”
”凯伦。凯伦·克莱因。”
“你好，凯伦。”
“电脑开了吗？”
“启动中”
“启动好了叫我。别叫我凯伦。我是你老板，记得吗？”
“是的,克莱因夫人。”
“叫克莱因女士。把我扶起来一点，我觉得我要从这张便宜的椅子上滑下来了。实际上，记住：订张更好的办公椅。”
难怪韦德只坚持了两个星期……
在接下来的几天里，费格斯接踵而至的是不断发短信的轰炸，无论是上班还是下班。 没有闲聊，没有关于他个人生活的问题，没有任何与凯伦的职业需求无关的事情。 他会在早上六点醒来，不是被他的闹钟吵醒，而是被他现在一直在身边的那部现在可怕的廉价手机吵醒。 他已经知道了那种重复的、毫无表情的嗡嗡声，它预告了他老板的最新消息。 从“我需要你把这些打印出来”，到“请提醒团队这些目标”，弗格斯发现自己是一个没有面孔的女人的新耳朵、眼睛和嘴巴。
他的老同事对此既感到好笑，又表示同情。费格斯通常以一种含糊的“是的，他很好”的方式受到大家的喜爱，而且他的新角色肯定比韦德更受欢迎。但现在他仍然是许多笑话的笑柄。
“哈，没想到你会跪在一个什么都没有的人的面前。”有一天，山姆开玩笑地说，他在费格斯设法逃到饮水机旁时抓住了他。
“就我个人而言，山姆，我觉得那样很没品味。我可以举报你，你知道。”费格斯回答，他脱下西装外套，露出一件淡蓝色的汗衫。“你觉得老板会喜欢吗？”
“她可能会炒我鱿鱼。”山姆耸耸肩。“但是你太好了，不会这样对待可怜的小我的。”
“You’re like 6’7”
你喜欢6 ' 7”
“我坚持我的声明——小心，她在你后面！”费格斯转过身，听到他的朋友笑出了眼泪，他皱起了眉头。
“哈哈哈！是啊，伙计，她只是从你身边飘过，我发誓……”
“我要吃东西。”这时，他的手机响了。费格斯读了信。“哦，好吧，回去吧。如果这个故事传开，我就把你扔进碎纸机里。”
“哈哈哈。”
凯伦坐在早上送到的新椅子上等他。椅子上有巨大的坐垫，当然很明显没有扶手。她希望费格斯和她进行某种身体接触，让她知道他确实在那里。基本上，他觉得基本上是为虐待自己发信号，他觉得这有点意思。他轻轻捏了捏她的肩膀，几秒钟后她给他发了短信。
“请更新状态。”
“邮件都已经发出去了，员工们似乎工作得很有成效，道德良好。过去一小时内收到了两封新邮件。”
“‘似乎’？他们要么高效，要么不是。我需要一个更好的答案。”
“我再确认一下。”
躯干的胸膛似乎膨胀了起来，紧接着凯伦的喉孔里冒出一阵呼吸。 电话又响了。
“很好。现在，来处理这些邮件。”
她会把她想要的回复发给他，一次几句，而他则将它们输入电脑。 他不知道她为什么不能直接用 Wi-Fi 连接电脑。 坦白说，他不敢问，所以他勤奋地为她输入了她的所有命令。 这是一个缓慢无聊的过程。 有一两次，他给她发了诸如“你好吗”之类的短信，结果被无情而高效地拒绝了。这不仅仅是一个人的严厉，好像凯伦下定决心不向他透露自己的任何事情。再加上一张堪称世界上最好的扑克脸，这让她成为了一个令人抓狂的谜。
午休是一件幸事，因为已经掌握了喂她吃饭的窍门。他给她喝汤(至少他从来不用担心选对口味，因为凯伦没有舌头)，然后喝冷饮，喝之前和之后都要喝很多咖啡。看着她的小身体在咖啡因的刺激下颤抖着，这很有趣。他想，也许这就是她如此暴躁的原因。她体内的东西太多了，没有办法发泄？他一定找出来的。不管怎么说，凯伦在这些时候总是很安静，尽管她不需要咀嚼什么东西。也许她也喜欢这种寂静。
当这一天结束的时候，她会被留在她的椅子上。显然，她有一位专门负责家庭生活的护士来接她。
“如果你愿意，我可以抱你下楼。”费格斯主动提出。拒绝。
“我不会让你像抱小孩一样抱着我！！！”凯伦回了短信，愤怒地扭动着身体。“伊娃是专业的，让她去做她的工作。”
“好吧”他回短信了。
“每个人都会盯着，很尴尬。”
“明白了。没关系。”
所以他会开着灯离开。另外，弗格斯有很多问题想问凯伦。 她住在哪里？ 有家人照顾她吗？ 但他知道她对这些的问题充耳不闻，就算躯干有耳朵也一样。 像所有关于她的其他谜团一样，弗格斯只能推测。 也许有一天她会对他软化，虽然听起来不太可能。 弗格斯是一个耐心的人，对凯伦这样的人有着很高的容忍度。 他所要做的就是度过难关……
日子一天天过去。暴风雨愈演愈烈。
“白痴！看看这些错误！”
“费格斯，我们比预定时间晚了五分钟！动作快点！”
“呜呜！这咖啡喝起来像泥浆！”
最后一点很难。 弗格斯不知道没有脑袋的人可以吐痰，但显然，他们可以。 一定有一块特殊的肌肉.在给凯伦做一杯新的之前，他冷静而有效地擦干了烂摊子。 她依旧刻薄。 似乎关于他的每一件小事都会让她生气，以至于弗格斯坦率地说现在很期待被解雇。 但他是个有耐心的人，而且工资配得上这工作。如果工资再高一点的话，他还能接受更多愤怒的消息。
再说，凯伦太…有趣了。有时他会站在门口看着她，甚至在她忙着审阅文件和做出所有那些重要的管理选择时，她也会给他发一些重要的信息。在那些时刻，她显得那么平静，那么安详。现在他已经习惯了她独特的生理特征，他可以欣赏一些小事情，比如作为唯一能做的动作就是扭动身体的人，她看起来是多么匀称。她一定做过很多仰卧起坐，他很确定。像凯伦这样的人就会有那种干劲和自制力。她的身体可能比费格斯好。
事实上，有一天他会证实这一点。
一切如常，就是打字、阅读和喝咖啡。他们一直很忙，这意味着他温柔地倒进她喉咙里的咖啡通常已经凉了。她一直在抱怨工作效率，尤其是西蒙，费格斯很好奇她这么做是不是在提醒自己。当他试图再给喂凯伦一些时，她的反应很大，在椅子上扭动着，动来动去。她的胸部几乎把半满的咖啡杯从费格斯手里撞了出去，温热的黑色液体全洒落在凯伦的外套和裙子上。她开始像触了电似的扭来扭去。
“嗯，来了。”费格斯想。“再见，工作。”他是如此确信自己即将被解雇，以至于他觉得不用低头去看桌上嗡嗡作响的电话，而是径直走出大楼，就像他之前的韦德一样。不过，他没有。
“<b>你把咖啡倒在我身上了？</b>”
凯伦的身体出奇地静了下来。费格斯紧张地拿起电话。
“那是个意外。抱歉，我马上就收拾。”他回了短信，然后冲进浴室拿了些纸巾。半路上电话又响了。
“意外？”
“是的，杯子碰到你的胸口了。”事实上是凯伦撞到他了，但他不会就这么责备她的。他一边拿毛巾，一边等着接下来的短信。
不过并没有新的消息。当他回来的时候，她还坐在那里，衣服湿透了，但看上去出奇地平静。同样的，没有面孔让人没办法读懂她的情绪，但这似乎暴风雨前的平静。担心的费格斯又把手机拿了出来。
“我现在就帮你清理，好吗？”他站在她身边说。
他得到的反馈几乎使他大吃一惊。
“我的衣服全湿了。脱掉。”
“啊？”费格斯说，他做了一个荒谬的可笑表情，反正凯伦看不到，然后咬着嘴唇。砰，电话响了。
“我会得肺炎的，我是认真的。现在就做。”
哦，好主意。他匆匆地把他老板的小身体从她的西装外套里抱出来。卡伦在里面穿了一件朴素、正统的白衬衫。嗯,以前是白色的。咖啡把它染上了颜色。费格斯犹豫了。她会说一些她不希望他继续的话——哦，是的，她说了。
“是的,衬衫也脱掉。不要像个小孩子。”
他深吸了一口气。
“这很正常。他大声说，然后解开衬衫，往上拉。当你正在脱衣服的那个人没有脑袋时，这个过程会容易得多，他挖苦地想，然后把衬衫和她的外套一起放在地板上。至少她穿了胸罩，一个展示她活泼，身材的胸罩——不，不要联想太多，费格斯。他是个专业人士，绝对不是怪人。他低下头;他现在还要脱掉她的裙子。他把手放在她的腰上，她微微地颤抖着，使他又停了下来。
“嗡”
加油！加油...
立刻又来了好几条消息。
“我要你快点，在我感冒之前把这些脱掉，你这个工具！如果我生病了，我会起诉你！”
“好吧，好吧，天哪。”费格斯嘟囔着，在她的办公室里把老板的裙子拉了下来：这句话远没有实际情况那么性感。至少她还没有解雇他，他想。然而...他低头看着她的小身体，半裸着，脆弱地坐在椅子上。尽管她的情况不佳，但费格斯还是觉得凯伦有点吓人。但现在他才真正意识到她是多么脆弱。她的残肢虽然已经愈合，但仍能看到手术留下的疤痕，在她的皮肤上留下了X形的白色印记。他庆幸自己至少现在看不见她的脖子了…
费格斯觉得他应该做点什么而不是盯着她，于是他开始用纸巾给她擦身体。擦过她身体上的弄湿部份时他可以看到凯伦皮肤上突起的疙瘩，主要是肩膀和胸部。他把那张纸压在她的右胸上靠近肋骨的地方，然后从侧面往下绕到她的乳沟。从那个女人的喉咙里传来一阵急促的呼吸，但除此之外，她没有任何让人看得懂的反应。
当她身上的咖啡都擦干净之后，费格斯把自己的外套脱了下来罩在她身上，裹住她的全身。
“这是什么？”她问。
“我的夹克，哈哈，这样你就不会着凉了。我现在该怎么办？”他问道。她的回答来得异乎寻常的晚，好像是在思考。他可以看到她在夹克里伸展身体，看上去象要甩掉身上的夹克。
“我不想这样子继续工作，”凯伦终于回话了。“我穿你那件廉价夹克一定很可笑。”
“我很抱歉。”
“唔，这样不行。带我回家。”
“要我给你的护理打电话吗？”
费洛斯!趁我还没发火之前带我回家!
“OK”
把她偷偷弄出办公室简直是一次秘密行动。他把凯伦整个身体包裹在夹克里，然后在她办公室的门口徘徊，直到他确定尽可能少的人会看到他们。然后他把老板紧紧地搂在胸前，飞快地从大家身边跑过。山姆吓了一跳，还没来得及打个招呼，费格斯就冲出去了。他飞快地冲进了电梯，谢天谢地，电梯使用门开着。
凯伦给了他她的地址； 她住在镇子的另一边。 通常开过去会很痛苦，但现在至少不是高峰时间。 他确认凯伦安全地坐在他旁边的座位上。 他已经开始焦虑地考虑给她买一个婴儿座椅。 然后更焦虑地考虑要不要把她放在后备箱里。 可能是因为即使他在开车，她也不停地给他发短信。
“开慢点！你这个疯子！”
“别给我发短信了！” 弗格斯大声说，沮丧地敲打着方向盘。 “基督！”。 他深吸了一口气。 大喊大叫对任何人都没有好处。 她甚至听不见。 女孩的躯干在她的座位上扭动着。他努力把电话的嗡嗡声当作背景不去注意。 裹在他的夹克里，她还保留了一些尊严。 他想知道如果有人停在弗格斯的车旁边并透过窗户看到这一切之后，警察会怎么想。 他希望他没有注意。
值得庆幸的是，在费格斯生命中这段倒霉的日子里，他总算开始走运了。他顺利地到达了凯伦的家。她住在一幢小而舒适的房子里。没有花园或草坪，有一道树篱隔开邻居，只有一层。费格斯倒是能理解。凯伦自己既不能爬楼梯也不可能自己修剪草坪。他把车停在外面，拿起他那可怜的、超负荷工作的电话。
“我们到了。我开车时请不要发短信，谢谢。”
“感谢上帝。好吧，带我进去。”
费格斯下了车，把凯伦抱在怀里向门廊走去。有一个问题。
“你有钥匙吗？”他问。
“我发信息问过伊娃了。她把钥匙放在垫子下面了。”
费格斯找了一下。那里确实有一把小钥匙。他把它捡了起来。另一个念头出现了，他抱着凯伦，拿着钥匙艰难地用手机问了另一个问题。
“你为什么不让伊娃送你回家？！”
“因为我喜欢伊娃，而且你正好就在现场。是你害得我必须回家，你这个笨蛋！”
深吸了一口气，费格斯打开前门，抱着他的受害人走了进去。他经过客厅，环顾四周。空旷得令人吃惊，几乎没有任何装饰——只有刷白的墙壁，没有镜子、海报、绘画或其他任何东西。这可以理解。像凯伦这种情况的人不需要什么装饰。他甚至怀疑就算她的头还在，恐怕也是一样的…
“去哪个房间？”
“楼上。我要换衣服。”
呵。嗯，这是可能的。费格斯通过越来越突然的短信被领到了老板的卧室。里面的床对凯伦这种体形的女人实在是太大了，这是在一个斯巴达式的家中放纵的表现。其他一切看上去都非常整洁有序，这无疑是伊娃的功劳。他把凯伦轻轻放在她的床上。然后考虑了一下措辞。
“你有睡衣吗？”
“抽屉里有家居服。”
“哪个抽屉？”
“别发短信了，自己看，我要着凉了。”
她的躯干在床上轻轻地滚动着，试图在那个不听使唤的手下翻她的抽屉的时候让自己舒服一点。工作服、休闲服，当然还有满满一抽屉的内衣。倒数第二个抽屉里装满了超大号的衬衫——他挑了一件黑色的拿了过来，正在他给她换衣服的时候，电话响了。
穿着内衣太热了。都脱掉。
“大条了”他卡了一下才回复。
“弄我，不，它。”
费格斯仔细地读了消息。真是…有趣的错误。他记得她的思想被直接翻译成信息，不是吗？难道这只是弗洛伊德式的口误吗？
如果不是呢？
“费格斯？”
“好的，2秒就好。”
他把凯伦翻过来，让她趴着，然后解开她的胸罩。在他的老板的高度偏执的命令下，他的手一直颤抖；她的身体似乎随着他的触摸在蠕动。这是怎么回事？肯定是幻觉。不可能是他一直痛恨着的战斧凯伦的作风。很明显，他的脑子坏掉了。
他又把凯伦翻过身，取下了她的胸罩。她的（违规用词，请立即整改，禁止带有成人内容）现在完全释放出来了，现在它们自由了，很明显，这位只有躯干的女孩的胸部是多么出众。费格斯深吸了几口气，努力保持着职业的风度，避免一直盯着这美景，只专注在她的白色棉内裤上。他伸出一根手指碰到内裤的边上，凯伦立刻像触电一样地扭动了几秒钟，她的内裤有一部分已经湿了。费格斯的手指僵在那里，动弹不得，不知如何是好。但他别无选择。他把她的内裤脱了下来，然后她就一丝不挂了。当凯伦在床上扭动时，她湿润的狭缝反射着光芒。她的金色（违规用词，请立即整改，否则封号处理）剪得很精致——费格斯后来才意识到这意味着凯伦还有头的时候应该是一头金发。他的心乱了。
像僵尸一样，费格斯慢慢地伸出一只手……拿起床上的黑衬衫。然后他小心翼翼地把它披在凯伦的肩膀上，再一次把他的老板身体盖住，然后松了一口气。在那一刻，他不得不承认他的裤子里有一种可耻的骚动。看到她一丝不挂，只是个躯干，连脑袋都没有！他从未见过如此赤裸和脆弱的女人。还有她的行为——或者至少是他开始认为她的行为。事情就是这样，很难明白凯伦的一切，你可以把各种事情投射到她的行动上。费格斯摇了摇头，责备自己。至少现在他可以集中精力了。希望她能恢复正常。
他的手机又响了。
“就这？你认真的？”
“什么？？”他回复道。裹在超大号的黑衬衫里的躯干已经不再那么剧烈地摆动了-如果凯伦还有膝盖的话，这件衬衫就会一直垂到膝盖上面。
“你茂密的草泥马。你这白痴长臂猿。”
这一连串的辱骂实际上持续了好一段时间——因为这个意想不到的转折而不知所措的费格斯不得不打断她。他开始后悔，希望凯伦现在能恢复正常。
“我做错了什么？”
“我要是你这个喋喋不休的白痴我早就明白了！要我给你一个字一个字说出来吗？我会的。”
“凯伦，抱歉，我不明白”
操
我
！
费格斯查看手机的时候已经收到了我字，在他猜出结果之前凯伦就发完了。
“我勒个大草。”他看着面前的躯干带着怒气扭动着试图靠近自己。她很明显地是在朝她想象中她的助手站着的地方移动。他手中震动的手机更彰显了她的怒气。
“什么，你认为咖啡洒出来是意外吗？你这呆子。我从一开始就想引起你的注意。大多数男人都能看出来，但你只是个不懂暗示的宝贝肉桂卷。”
“你是说你在调情？lol。”
“别笑我，费格斯！”趴在床上“爬行”的躯干蠕动了几秒钟，费格斯认为这是一种发脾气。“我不能和一个男人...调情？就是因为我是你的老板？你知道我什么意思。这是很难。你不能理解。别说你能。你不知道。
这无法反驳，尤其是当他以前冷漠的老板对他如此真诚的时候。他轻轻地抱起她，拥在怀里。这可能被认为是怜悯，但他本能地觉得这是目前正确的选择。他抱着她。短信停止了，房间里趴剩下平静。他感到她赤裸的胸膛在他自己的胸膛上起伏，在如此近的距离上，他能感觉到她的心跳。当它慢下来变成一种平静的节奏时，他用一只手抱着她轻盈的身体，另一只手拿起电话，考虑到她所陈述的意图，他不知道该说些什么。现在凯伦也一直保持着沉默。
“你还好吗？”
“我觉得自己很蠢。呃。对不起。我有点紧张。”
“没事。”
“不象我命令伊娃给我脱衣服那样。我很友好的。我也有需求。我会非常感激的。”
费格斯若有所思地用手指敲着电话。从她要求他带她回家时，这一切发生得太快了。他居然完全没有预见到这一切。也许他真的是个白痴。
“你确定？”
“如果这让你感到不舒服，我理解。我是你的老板，我知道。很囧的。”
“如果我们这样做，你能保证不发暴怒的短信吗？”
“如果你快点跟我上床，我就给你发最甜蜜最可爱的短信。”
他想不出该怎么回答，于是不再考虑这事。他把手机扔在地板上，然后把凯伦放到床上，把她小小的身体从衬衣里拿出来，然后把衬衫也扔开。他在脱衣服时看到她因期待而发抖。费格斯从来都不是一个对自己身体很自信的人，但现在这不是问题。在某种程度上，这是一种解脱。
当他和他的老板一样赤身裸体时(这句话通常会让他从附近的窗户里尖叫出来)，费格斯跪在床边，这样他的脸就和凯伦差不多平齐了。他伸出双手，让它们滑过她的身体——他的手指在她结实的身体上四处拂动，随意地掠过她的胸部。凯伦无助地扭动着身体。电话开始震动，但现在费格斯不会听从凯伦的任何命令。他突然一把抓住她，把她拉到床边，他的脸离她的缝只有几英寸远，然后他尝了一口。
当费格斯舔她的折皱时，凯伦这个没有手臂、腿和头的五重截肢者身上所有可动的肌肉都在发抖，全力地回应着他的动作。他慢慢地用手挤压和分开她的屁股，让他的舌头在某些地方停留，舔一下停一下。偶尔费格斯会抬起头，用手指抚过她的（违规用词，请立即整改，否则封号处理），拨开凯伦的花蕊并欣赏着眼前的景色。她看起来准备好了。
助理抱着凯伦站了起来。他已经硬绑绑了，但他还是让她的身体跟自己摩擦了一会儿，既让自己完全勃起，又让他的老板对要容纳的东西有所准备。他对疯响不停的电话充耳不闻。当一切就绪后，费格斯把凯伦举到空中，抱了几秒钟，然后把她按到自己的丁丁上。
她把他那话儿直接吞了进去，他立刻感觉到她阴道上的肌肉压迫着他，拼命地挤压着他。不过大部分工作仍然得费格斯做；老实说，这更像是一种非常高级的打飞机，举高躯干，然后再把她往下压，一遍又一遍。好在拥有如此丰满的胸部的她依然很轻。它们上下摆动着，由于凯伦独特的体型，它们看起来比实际上要大得多。他伸出双臂，抓住她的胸部，用他的（违规用词，请立即整改，否则封号处理）支撑着她的身体重量，双手抓住她的胸部。
“嗯，”他呻吟着，觉得她在他身上陷得更深了。他突然想起凯伦听不见，于是他趁机说了些脏话。“你很喜欢我的鸡巴，艹。”他尴尬地停了一下，然后继续说。“我把老板当性玩具。哈哈哈。我的老板是个性玩具！”他不得不抑制住自己的叫喊，但他不得不承认，当他说把老板当玩具的时候，他感觉很兴奋。
他眨了眨眼睛。哦，那感觉有点太好了。他快要到了，他赶在让这个躯干怀孕之前，从自己的老板身上拔出来。他几乎是把她扔到床上，凯伦躺在地上，“脸”朝着费格斯。他迅速地想了想，按下了她脖子上的按钮，打开了她的喉咙然后（违规用词，请立即整改，禁止带有成人内容）。他很快就来了，把牛奶全吹进她倒立着的身体里。然后他精疲力尽地瘫倒在床上，再次从老板身上拔出来，把剩余的部分擦在她的皮肤上。他在她身上躺了几分钟。
最后他站了起来，从地板上捡起了电话，然后兴致勃勃地读着他漏掉的消息，基本上是“好爽”“好深”。
“舒服吗？”
“是的:)”
“希望我没有太粗鲁。”
“还不够粗鲁。下次不用那么小心。”
“下次？”他笑着回了短信。
“很明显。我猜你是要留下来过夜吧？”
费格斯低头看了看床上那个裸露的只有躯干的她，红红的皮肤上反射着光芒，骄傲挺起背展示自己。
“我会的。”
原文
A small, black hair man with a freshly tanned complexion and a shabby grey suit stood alone in the elevator. Coming back to work after a vacation was always a depressing business. Fergus Kelly had been pining for his little hotel room in Santa Barbra almost immediately. Well that, and the hot So Cal sun, and the coast and the food... but mostly, he had to admit, it was not being here, in his crummy office job with broken air con and a terrible boss-
Fergus, shifting from one foot on to the other as the elevator travelled up to the marketing floor, paused mid-thought. Oh, that was right. His boss had been sacked. He’d gotten a text from his friend Sam about a day into his vacation. The third boss to go in a year. He silently clenched his fist and smiled. Rob had been an awful manager, somehow even worse than the two he had succeeded. He wouldn’t be missed by the staff, that was for sure, the Vernon Dursley lookalike tyrant. After a moment of quiet satisfaction, another thought hit Fergus. There would be a new boss waiting for him this morning. The fourth boss. He remembered reading that in Japan, four was an unlucky number, much like thirteen in the west. Fergus’s fist unclenched, and he cracked his knuckles, one after the other.
When he got to his floor he tried to gauge the mood of the room. Heads were down, workers either typing away or talking on the phone. This wasn’t a clear indication of anything really-work had just started after all. He checked his watch; it was just after nine. He hurried over to his computer. Sam was already typing away at the next computer. He was a thin, gangly man, like a scarecrow that had brushed up well. He grinned at Fergus as he sat down and mouthed a “hello.” This was a bad sign. Sam was usually a little work-averse, happy to chat and skirt the line with what he could get away with at work. It wasn’t like him to be so quiet.
“Good to be back.” Said Fergus, pulling his office chair up to his desk and flashing his friend a smile. Sam immediately looked around before raising a finger to his lips.
“Shhh! Wade will hear us.” He whispered, before pointing to his screen. He had surreptitiously brought up a little notepad on screen. Nodding, Fergus did the same, before typing a message:
“This is kinda weird.”
“New boss, and she’s a total battle-axe. Not to be effed with.”
“I thought you said Wade? Did you mean Wade Lambert?”
“He’s the boss’s assistant. Poor guy.”
“Assistant? And Wade’s a dick”
“Yeah, but…you’ll see.” Fergus’s brow furrowed. He tried not to type too loud as he tried to understand what was going on.
“You’ll s-”
That was all Sam managed to type before a door pushed open, and out walked Wade Lambert himself, looking decidedly unhappy. He barged past a few startled looking co-workers. As luck would have it, he happened to make eye contact with Fergus, and stopped in front of him. Wade was a large man with a black goatee and dark eyes. He was gruff and blunt, the sort of person who took rudeness for honesty. He had never liked Fergus, and the feeling had been mutual. The big man looked down at the smaller co-worker, and sneered at him.
“Bad luck, Fergus. You’re up.” He said, tilting his head at the open door. It leads into the manager’s office.
“Eh?”
“I quit. Boss wants a new assistant, and you’re it.”
“But-“
“I’d get in quick if I were you. She’s something else…”
Wade promptly pushed past the baffled office worker, before storming right out of the room. Everyone working craned their heads, watching the burly grump make his exit. Then, slowly, all heads swivelled until they were facing Fergus. It had gotten very quiet all of a sudden. He felt a bead of sweat form on his forehead.
“Tough luck, man.” Said Sam, shaking his head. “Hope she’s a little easier on you than Wade.”
“Jesus, Sam, who did we hire, Cersei Lannister?”
“I don’t watch that show.”
“You’re letting me down here, Sam.”
“Don’t panic, man, just don’t be a tool like Wade. Play it smart, keep calm, ok?” Fergus took a few deep breaths to pump himself up. “OK, anything I should know before I go in?” he asked. Sam hesitated.
“Nah, she’s just kind of a jerk. You can deal with that though.”
“You’re right. I eat jerks for breakfast.”
“That sounds unhealthy.”
“Please respect my lifestyle choices. OK, here I go…” He got up, walked a few yards, then stopped.
“And you don’t all have to watch me go, you’re making me nervous!” he said, addressing the room at large. Everyone present suddenly got back to work, the sound of keyboards chattering filling the air. Taking another deep breath, Fergus cautiously approached the door to the manager’s office and knocked on the door. There was no reply.
“Hello?” he said. It occurred to him that he had forgotten to ask the new boss’s name. Well, too late now. He poked his head in through the door. “I was told that you would be-“
He gasped. Then he put his hand over his mouth, not knowing how to react. Sitting on a comfortable looking swivel chair was a woman, dressed in a buttoned up grey suit and skirt combination. She had a sizeable bust, with a hint of a red bra poking out towards the centre of her chest. This was the biggest and most obvious clue that the new manager was female, as she was missing her head. Where a human head should have been, there was only a metallic looking disc sitting on her neck stump, a green light flashing occasionally. Her arms and legs were also totally absent; her suit jacket didn’t even have any sleeves, and her skirt was tucked in underneath her hips. She sat perfectly still, betraying no sign that she had even heard Fergus enter the room, her chest rising and falling the only sign of life. This was the dreaded new boss?
He stood there, halfway inside the room, looking at the living torso who had apparently terrorised the office these past two weeks. Fergus look back out at the office, looking for some sign that he had just fallen victim to an elaborate prank, but everyone had their heads down, working away. He walked into the manager’s room, shut the door behind him, and walked up to the chair’s occupant. She still did not move. Could she even talk? Did she even have any senses?
“Can you hear me?” he asked. There was no reply. Fergus started to feel faintly ridiculous. What was he supposed to do here, tap Morse code onto her shoulder and hope for the best? Feeling like he had no other option, he gently reached a hand out and, taking care not to startle her, patted his new boss on the shoulder. There was a palpable reaction; she squirmed very slightly before going still again. Then there was a vibrating noise on the desk to her side. Fergus saw a small, cheap looking mobile phone, the sort of cheap throwaway ones you used to see. He went over an picked it up. There was a new message:
Hmph. You took your time. Name?
The letters showed up in that exact style: heavy and bold, black lettering on a white background. Fergus looked at the screen, then back at the woman in the chair. He stared had at her. Had she just sent him a text? A few seconds later, the phone vibrated again, signalling a new message.
Hello? Urgh, the last guy did this as well. Yes, I’m talking to you, you dolt. Text me back.
The messages were coming far faster than any normal human could text by hand. Not having time to sit and ponder the mechanics behind it, he quickly fumbled out a reply.
“Hello my name is Fergus” he texted. He only had to wait a few seconds for a reply.
You’re my new assistant. From now on, I say and you do. Got it?
“Yes”
Good. Now go get me a coffee. Black.
Fergus hesitated. There was an obvious question to ask here… his fingers worked around the keypad again.
“Sorry but how do you drink?”
Through my butt.
“Really?” he texted back. The torso wiggled in her seat as a reply was sent to the cell phone.
No, obviously not you absolute dolt. There’s a hatch on my collar. Pour it down there, genius. Chop chop! Consider yourself under review!
Bewildered, Fergus stumbled out of the manager’s office, heading past his co-workers. As he passed his old desk, he heard a snigger.
“Thanks for the heads up, Sam”
“Hahaha. Well there was no head to give you a heads up about.”
“Piss off.”
A quick trip to the coffee machine later, Fergus sped back to the office with a fresh cup of black coffee. He picked up the phone in one hand and texted out a quick message.
“ok bk got ur coffee” he text. Then he put the phone down, although not fast enough to avoid the latest message.
Never type like that again. Now let me have that caffeine hit.
Putting the cup down for now, he walked over to the limbless, headless woman in the chair, examining her collar. There was, it turns out, two holes on top. One was covered with a mesh, and he could see it moving and rippling. He put a hand over it and felt her warm breath. The other hole was covered by a hatch, as she had said. He pressed a small grey button and it sprung open. Looking down it, he saw the dark red of her throat. He marvelled for a second and what he was seeing. It felt oddly intimate, peering down the open throat of a woman he’d only just met…
The phone vibrated again, spurring him into action. “Yeah, yeah…” he said to himself, grabbing the cup of now slightly cool coffee. He carefully poured some of it down the little hole, watching it disappear into the darkness. The torso twitched a little, and there was another message from the cell phone.
Don’t just tip it down my throat at once! It’s hot!
“Sorry!” blurted out Fergus, before remembering that his boss was effectively deaf. He quickly texted an apology before slowing the pace of his pouring down. There was no visible tongue, which meant that she probably couldn’t even taste the coffee- as she had said, this was probably just a caffeine hit for her. Was this how his day was going t go? Standing over a quintuple amputee-which was a thing now apparently- and pouring drinks down their neck? As it turned out, that was as peaceful as things got.
Now start up my computer. If you can even manage that. We’ve got work to do.
She shifted around in her seat, as if getting comfortable. Then she sent another text.
You’ve not even asked my name. How rude.
Crap, I totally forgot! Thought Fergus, before hastily grabbing the phone.
“Apologies. What is your name?”
Karen. Karen Clyne.
“Hello Karen.”
Is the computer on yet?
“It’s starting up”
Tell me when it’s on, then. And don’t call me Karen. I’m your boss, remember?
“Yes, Mrs Clyne.”
Ms. Clyne. Pull me up too, I feel like I’m about to slide off this cheap chair. Actually, mental note: order better office chair.
No wonder Wade only lasted two weeks of this…
For the next few days, what followed for Fergus was a bombardment of constant texts, both in and out of work. There was no small talk, no questions about his personal life, nothing that wasn’t related to Karen’s professional needs. He would get woke up at six in the morning, not by his usual alarm clock, but by that now-dreaded cheap mobile phone that he now had near his person at all times. He had gotten to know that repetitive, deadpan Bzzzzz noise, that forewarned him of his bosses latest message. From “I need you to print these out”, to “Please remind the team of these goals”, Fergus had found himself as the new ears, eyes and mouth of a faceless woman.
His old co-workers reacted to this with a mixture of amusement and sympathy. Fergus was generally liked in a vague “Yeah he’s ok” kind of way, and he was certainly more popular in his new role than Wade had been. But he was still the butt of a lot of jokes now.
“Hah, never thought I’d see you on your hands and knees for someone who has neither.” Joked Sam one day, catching Fergus as he managed to escape to the water cooler for a moment.
“Personally Sam I find that in very bad taste. I could have you reported you know.” Replied Fergus, who had removed his suit jacket to reveal a baby blue undershirt. “Think the boss would like that?”
“She’d probably fire me.” shrugged Sam. “But you’re too nice to do that to poor little me.”
“You’re like 6’7”
“I stand by my statement-look out, she’s behind you!” Fergus whirled round, then frowned as he heard his friend double over, in tears of laughter.
“Hahahaha! Yeah man she was just floating past you, I swear…”
“Eat me.” At that point, his phone buzzed. Fergus read the message. “Oh well, back at it. If this story spread I’m feeding you through the paper shredder.”
“Hahaha.”
Karen was waiting for him in her new chair, which had arrived in the morning. It was a large, cushioned number with absolutely no handrails for obvious reasons. Fergus was now expected to make some sort of physical contact with Karen when he was present, to let her know that he was actually there. Basically he was giving the signal for his own abuse, which he found quietly funny. He squeezed her shoulder gently, and a few seconds later she texted him.
Status update please.
“The emails have all been sent, staff seem to be working productively, moral good. Two new emails in the last hour.”
“Seem” to be? They either are productive or they aren’t. I need a better answer than that.
“I’ll make another check.”
The torso’s chest seemed to inflate, and then a gust of breath came out of Karen’s throat hole. The phone buzzed again.
Fine. Now, let’s attend to those emails.
She would text him her intended replies, a few sentences at a time, while he typed them into the computer. He didn’t know why she couldn’t just use her Wi-Fi to connect to the computer directly. Frankly he was afraid to ask, so he diligently transcribed all of her commands for her. It was a slow process. Boring as well. Once or twice he had texted her things like “So how are you” and been shot down with ruthless efficiency. It was more than just someone being harsh, as though Karen was absolutely determined not to reveal anything of herself to him. That, couple with what could be described as the world’s best poker face, made her a maddening mystery.
Lunch break was something of a blessing, once had had gotten the hang of feeding her. He’d give her soup (at least he never had to worry about choosing the right flavour, what with Karen’s lack of a tongue), followed by a cold drink, with a whole lot of coffee before and after it. It was fun to watch her little body shiver and jiggle as the caffeine hit her. Maybe that was why she was so cranky, he wondered. Too much of that stuff in her system, not way to vent the energy? He’d have to google that. In any case, Karen was usually quiet during these moments despite not really having to chew or anything. Maybe she too enjoyed the silence.
And when the day was over, she would be left in her chair. Apparently she had a dedicated nurse for her home life that came to collect her.
“I could carry you downstairs if you want.” Fergus had offered. This had been rejected.
I’m not going to have you stand around holding me in your arms like a baby!!! Karen had texted back, wiggling furiously. Eva is a professional, just let her do her job.
“Ok” he had text back.
Everyone would be staring. It would be mortifying.
“I get it. It’s fine.”
So he would leave here there, leaving the lights on. Again, Fergus had so many questions for Karen. Where did she live? Did she have family to take care of her too? But he knew his questions would fall on deaf ears, even if the torso had actually had any ears. Like all of the other mysteries about her, Fergus could only speculate. Perhaps one day she’d soften up to him, unlikely as it sounded. Fergus was a patient man with a high tolerance level for people like Karen. All he’d have to do was weather the storm…
More days passed. The storm got worse.
Idiot! Look at all these mistakes!
Fergus, we’re five minutes behind schedule! Move those arms and legs faster!
Bleh! This coffee tastes like mud!
The last one had been difficult. Fergus had no idea people without heads could do spit-takes, but apparently, they could. There must be a special muscle for that. He had calmly and efficiently dried up the mess before making Karen a new mug. Her mood remained caustic. It seemed like every little thing about him would set her off, to the point where Fergus frankly expected to get fired any moment now. But he was a patient man, and the job was a set up in terms of wages; he could take a few angry texts if it meant another few K per month.
Besides, Karen was just so… interesting. Sometimes he would stand in the doorway and watch her, even as she sent him important messages as she went about her job reviewing documents and making all those important managerial choices. In those moments, she seemed so peaceful, so still. Now that he was more used to her unique biology, he could appreciate little things, like how in-shape she looked for someone with no real ability to move outside of some wiggling. She must do a lot of crunches, he had decided. Someone like Karen would have the drive and discipline for that sort of thing. She was probably in better shape than Fergus.
In fact, one day he could confirm that.
It had been business as usual, which meant lots of typing, reading and coffee. They had been busy, which meant that the mug he had been gently pouring down her throat every so often had gone cold. She had been ranting about the workforce, Simon in particular; Fergus had wondered if she was doing that just to needle him. When he had tried to feed Karen some more, she reacted poorly, squirming and moving around in her chair. As it happened, her chest had bumped the still half-full coffee mug nearly out of Fergus’s hands, sending lukewarm black liquid all down the front of Karen’s suit and skirt. She started jerking and squiggling like she had just received an electric shock.
“Well, that’s that.” Fergus had thought to himself. “Bye bye, job.” So sure was he of his imminent termination that he considered not even looking down at the buzzing phone on the desk, and just walking right out of the building, just like Wade before him. He didn’t, though.
Did you just douse me with coffee?
Karen’s body was surprisingly calm. Fergus nervously picked up the phone.
“it was an accident. My apologies, will clean right away.” He texted back, before rushing out to the bathroom to grab some paper towels. The phone buzzed again midway there.
Accident?
“Yes, I bumped the cup against your chest.” Really it had been Karen bumping into him, but he wasn’t going to just out and blame her for this. He waited for more texts as he gathered towels.
They didn’t come. Indeed, when he got back, she was still sitting there, her clothes now rather soaked looking but looking so eerily calm. Once again, the lack of any sort of face made reading her emotions difficult, but this seemed like a pretty huge under-reaction. That worried Fergus. He got his phone out again.
“I’m gonna clean you now OK?” he said, standing over her.
What he got back from her nearly floored him.
My clothes are all wet. Take them off.
“What” Said Fergus, taking advantage of Karen’s lack of sight to make a ridiculous expression of surprise, then biting his lip. Bzzzz, went the phone.
I’ll catch pneumonia, I’m being serious. Do it now.
Oh, that was a good point actually. He hurriedly slid the small form of his boss out of her suit jacket. Karen was wearing a plain, no-nonsense white shirt underneath. Well, formerly white. The coffee had done a number on it. Fergus hesitated. She’d say something it she didn’t want him to-oh yeah, there she went.
Yes, shirt too. Don’t be a baby.
He took a deep breath.
“This is fine and normal.” He said aloud, before unbuttoning the shirt and pulling it upwards. The process was much easier when the person you were undressing didn’t have a head, he thought to himself wryly, before putting it on the floor alongside her jacket. At least she was wearing a bra, one that showed off her perky, well formed-no, that wasn’t what this was about get it together Fergus. He was a a professional and definitely not a weirdo. He looked down; he had still to get that skirt off now. He put his hands down on her waists, and she shivered very slightly, giving him pause once more.
Bzzz
Come on, come on...
Almost immediately, there was another buzz.
I mean hurry up and get these off before I catch a cold, you tool! If I get sick I’m taking legal action!
“All right, all right, geez.” Muttered Fergus, pulling his bosses skirt down in her office: a sentence that was much less sexy than the reality of the situation. At least she hadn’t fired him yet, he thought. Yet.. He looked down at her tiny form, half-naked and vulnerable as it sat on the chair. Despite her condition, Fergus had learned to find the sight of Karen vaguely intimidating. But now it really struck him how fragile she was. Her stumps, while mostly healed, till showed signs of the scars of her surgery, white marks making X signs in the woman’s skin. He was thankful he couldn’t see what her neck looked like now at least…
It occurred to Fergus that he should do something more than just stare, so he got to work cleaning her up with the paper towels he had retrieved. He could see bumps on Karen’s skin pop up as he brushed down the wet parts of her torso, which was mostly her shoulders and chest. He pressed the paper down on her right breast, near where it met her ribs, before moving down around the side into her cleavage. There was a sharp, short breath from the woman’s throat hole, but other than that, she gave no readable reaction.
When she was no longer covered in coffee, Fergus popped his own jacket off and placed her inside of it: she fit inside the whole thing.
What’s this? She asked.
“Just my jacket, haha, so you don’t get cold. What should I do now?” he asked. Her reply was unusually late, as though Karen was thinking. Inside his jacket he could see her try to stand up in the chair, almost like she was attempting to shrug it off.
I don’t want to work like this, replied Karen eventually. I must look ridiculous in that cheap jacket of yours.
“I’m sorry.”
Hmmph. No good. Take me home.
“Should I phone your carer?”
Just take me home, Fergus. Before I get mad.
“OK”
Smuggling her out of the office had been something of an exercise in stealth. He had wrapped Karen up entirely in his jacket, hiding her from the rest of the workforce, and the loitered by the doorway of her office room until he was sure that the least amount of people possible would see them. Then he darted past everyone, clutching his boss tight to his chest. He zoomed past a startled Simon who barely had time to register a hello before Fergus was gone, darting into an elevator that by the good grace of God was waiting open for them.
Karen had given him her address; she lived on the other side of town. Normally that would be a pain, but at least it wasn’t rush hour. He had made sure Karen was secured safely in the seat next to him. A terrible part of him had considered buying her a baby seat. An even worse part of him had thought about putting her in the trunk. Probably because she had continued to send him texts even though he was driving.
Don’t drive so fast! You’re a maniac!
“Stop texting me!” said Fergus out loud, thumping his steering wheel in frustration. “Christ!”. He took a long deep breath. Shouting and cursing wasn’t going to do anyone any good; she couldn’t even hear it. He let the buzzing of the phone fade of out into the background, unnoticed, as the torso girl squirmed in her seat. At least with his jacket on she had some of her dignity preserved. He wondered what a cop would think, should one pull up beside Fergus’s car and look through the widow. He hoped that he didn’t find out.
Thankfully, and for once in this rotten period of Fergus’s life, he got lucky. There were no incidents as he made his way smoothly to Karen’s home. She lived in a small, cosy looking building all on her own, as it turned out. There was no garden or lawns save for a hedge that was shared with her neighbour, and there didn’t appear to be any floors above the ground level. Which made sense when Fergus thought about it. He couldn’t really see Karen either making her way up any stairs or mowing any lawns by herself. He pulled up outside and picked up his poor, overworked phone.
“We’re here. Please don’t text while I’m driving thanks”
Thank god. OK, take me inside.
Fergus got out and soon had Karen cradled in his arms once more. He made his way to the porch. A thought occurred.
“Do you have a key?” he texted.
I sent Eva a message. She’s left a key under the mat.
Fergus looked. There was indeed a small key left there. He picked it up. Another thought occurred, and he fumbled for his phone, having to juggle it along with Karen and the key.
“Why didn’t you just get Eva to run you home?!”
Because I like Eva, and you were right there anyway. It’s your fault I had to come home anyway, you dolt!
Taking some deep breaths, Fergus unlocked the front door and carried his charge inside. He wandered into the living room and looked around, surprised. There was barely any decorations- the walls were painted white, and there were no mirrors, posters, paintings or anything else. It made sense when he started to think about it, of course. Someone as practical as Karen had no need for decorations. A part of him wondered if the house would look the same way even if she had a head…
“Where should I take you?”
Upstairs. Get me changed.
Yikes. Well, this had been likely. Fergus was directed via increasingly abrupt texts to his boss’s bedroom. The bed there was far too large for a woman of Karen’s size, which was the one show of indulgence in an otherwise Spartan home. Everything else was extremely clean and orderly looking, no doubt thanks to the careful work of Eva. He placed Karen down gently on her bed. He thought for a bit about how to word his text.
“Do you have pyjamas”
There are comfy shirts in the drawers.
“Which drawer?”
Stop texting and start looking, I’m getting cold
The torso rolled gently around on the bed, trying to get comfortable as the out-of-his-depth office worker found himself rooting through her drawers. Work clothes, casual wear, and of course inevitably a drawer full of underwear. The second to last drawer was filled with oversized shirts- he picked out a black one and brought it over, removing the shirt she had been wearing, and started to pull it over Karen. His phone buzzed.
Too warm with my underwear on. Take those off too.
“Seriously.” He texted back, once the freeze that he’d felt in his chest had dissipated.
Do me. It.
Fergus read the text carefully. What an… interesting slip. He remembered how that worked- her thoughts were being directly translated into messages, right? Could that have just been a little Freudian slip?
What if it wasn’t?
Fergus?
“Ok two seconds.”
He turned Karen over so she was face down, so to speak, then unhooked her bra. His hands trembled as he worked, and in his state of now heightened paranoia about his boss and her thoughts, it seemed as though her torso was squirming at his touch. Where had this come from? He was imagining it, surely. Not Karen, the battle-axe from hell who had spent the last week hating his guts. No, clearly, he just had a dirty mind.
He turned Karen over again and lifted her bra off. Her breasts were now fully exposed, and now that they were free it was apparent how blessed the torso-girl was in that department. Fergus took a few deep breaths and tried to stay {i]professional , averting his eyes, only to be met with her white cotton panties. He slipped a finger down the sides and Karen reacted instantly, squirming uncontrollably for several seconds like she’d just been electrocuted. A damp spot had very obviously formed in her panties. Fergus held his fingers there, paralyzed and unsure how to proceed. But he had no choice. He slid the garments off of Karen, and then she was nude. Her slit was clearly glistening as Karen wiggled some more on the bed. She had a finely trimmed cut of blonde pubic hair- Fergus would only later twig that this meant Karen would have been a blonde with a head. Right now he was a little distracted.
Zombie-like, Fergus slowly reached out a hand… and grabbed the black shirt on the bed. Then he carefully fitted it down over Karen’s shoulders and pulled it over the rest of her, covering up his boss once more, before breathing a sigh of relief. For a moment there, he had to admit there had been a shameful stirring in his pants. Seeing her naked, just a torso, not even a head! Naked and vulnerable in a way he’d never seen a woman before. And with how she had been acting- or at least, how he had started to think she had been acting. That was the thing, Karen was so hard to read that you could project all sorts of things onto her actions. Fergus shook his head, chastising himself for this. At least now he could concentrate. Hopefully she’d be back to her usual self.
His phone went off.
That’s it? Really?
What.
“??” he texted back. The torso had stopped wiggling around so much, wrapped up in the oversized black shirt that would have went down to just above Karen’s knees had she still had knees.
You dense motherfucker. You absolute clueless gibbon.
This string of insults actually went on longer- Fergus had to interrupt her mid-flow, reeling from this unexpected turn. He was starting to regret wishing that Karen would go back to her old self now.
“What did I do?”
How much more obvious do I have to be you blithering idiot?! Do I have to spell it out for you? Because I will.
“Karen I’m sorry I don’t understand”
F
U
C
K
M
E
Fergus got the message around about the letter C, and waited for Karen to finish before responding with his own spelling contest entry.
“W. A. T.” He watched as the torso in front of him tried to wiggle in his direction. Somehow it looked angry, the wiggles full of purpose as she inched towards where she imagined her assistant was standing. The constant vibrations of the phone in his hand only made her seem angrier.
What, you think that coffee spill was an accident? You dolt. I’ve been trying to get your attention since day one. Most guys would have picked up on it, but you’re just a precious cinnamon roll who can’t take a hint.
“You mean that was you flirting? Lol.”
Don’t lol at me, Fergus! The torso, “crawling” on her stomach, had a few seconds of squirming, which Fergus interpreted as a sort of tantrum. I can’t just… flirt with a guy? Not just cause I’m your boss. You know what I mean. It’s hard. You couldn’t understand. Don’t say you do. You don’t.
It was hard to argue with, not when his previously ice-cold boss was being so sincere with him. He picked her up, gently, and gave Karen a hug. There was a risk of being patronising here, but he felt instinctively this was the right call for now. He held her there. The texts stopped, leaving the two with a moment of calm. He felt her naked chest rising and falling against his own, so close that he could feel her heart beat. When it slowed down into a calm rythmn, he held her lightweight body with one arm and picked up the phone with the other, wondering what to say given what her stated intentions had been. He’d never read a text from Karen the same way again now.
“You OK?”
I feel stupid. Urgh. Sorry. I’m a bit pent up.
“It’s OK.”
It’s not like I ask Eva to get me off or anything. I’m kinda. I need. I’d be grateful.
Fergus tapped his finger on the side of the phone thoughtfully. This had escalated rather quickly, in a way he had somehow not seen coming when she had asked him to take her home. Maybe he really was an idiot.
“You sure?”
If this is making you uncomfortable, I understand. I’m your boss, I know. Awkwaaaard.
“Do you promise not to send very angry texts if we do this.”
I’ll send the sweetest and cuddliest texts ever if you just hurry up and fuck me already.
There wasn’t really a text he could think of that didn’t sound lame in response to that. So Fergus didn’t bother. He just dropped the phone onto the floor, and then Karen onto the bed, letting her tiny form drop out of the shirt before throwing it away. He could see her shiver in anticipation as he undressed. Fergus had never been someone with a lot of confidence in his body, but that didn’t matter so much right now. In a way it was rather liberating.
When he was as naked as his boss (a sentence that would normally have sent him screaming out of a nearby window) Fergus knelt down next to the bed, so that his face was more or less level with Karen. He reached his hands out and let them travel around her body- his fingers traced themselves around her firm sides and front, moving over her chest freely. Karen squirmed helplessly. The phone started to vibrate, but for now Fergus wasn’t going to take any orders from Karen. He grabbed her suddenly and pulled her towards the edge of the bed, his face inches away from her slit, and helped himself to a taste.
The quintuple amputee reacted as much as was possible for someone with no arms, legs or head, all her available muscles contacting as Fergus lapped at her fold. His hands squeezed and spread the cheeks of her butt as he took his time, letting his tongue linger on certain spots, taking breaks between each lick. Occasionally Fergus would pull his face back and bring his fingers up to her labia, spreading Karen’s flower and admiring the view. She looked ready.
The assistant stood up, taking Karen with him. He was already hard, but he rubbed her body against himself for a little bit, both to get himself 100% erect and to let his boss know what was in store for her. He could hear his phone going like crazy, but he stood firm in denying her contact for now. When he felt the time was right, Fergus hoisted Karen into the air and held her there for a few seconds, before lowering her down onto his cock.
She slipped over his member and immediately he could feel her vaginal muscles clamp down on him, squeezing him for all she was worth. Fergus still had to do most of the work here; it was honestly more like a very advanced form of jerking off, pulling the torso up and then pushing her back down again over and over. At least she was light, even with those boobs of her. They jiggled up and down, looking much bigger than they probably were due to Karen’s unique body-shape. He reached his arms out and held the torso by her tits, supporting her body weight with his dick and the hands around her boobs.
“Hmph,” he groaned, feeling her sink deeper onto him. It occurred to him that Karen was deaf, and he took the opportunity to indulge in some dirty talk. “You feel great around my cock. Fuck.” He stopped, embarrassed at himself, before continuing. “I’m using my boss as a sex-toy. Hahaha. My boss is a sex-toy!” He had to stop himself from shouting it, but he had to admit, it felt hot to say that as he rode his boss like the toy he’d said she was.
He blinked. Uh oh, that had felt a little too good. He was close now, and quickly tried to pull out of his boss before he made the torso pregnant. He almost threw her onto the bed, Karen landing on her stomach “facing” Fergus. Thinking quickly, he pushed the button on her collar that opened up her throat, and plunged himself inside. He came quickly, blowing his load directly down into her stomach, practically holding her upside down as he milked himself dry with her. Tired, he collapsed onto the bed, withdrawing himself from his boss and wiping himself clean on her skin. He laid there on top of her for a few minutes.
Eventually he got up and retrieved the phone from the floor. He had some fun reading though the messages he had missed, which were a good thirty or so deep.
“Enjoy yourself, then?”
Yeah : )
“Not too rough I hope.”
Not rough enough. Next time don’t be so cautious.
“Next time?” he texted back, smiling.
Obviously. You’re staying the night, I assume?
Fergus looked down at the naked torso lady on the bed, glistening and red-skinned, as she arched her back and presented herself some more.
“I could do that.” 机翻的，看的有点吃力 标题的quintet其实指的是五肢截肢（ qq18013602 发表于 2022-6-15 21:44
机翻的，看的有点吃力
我以为我把关把得还可以呢T_T
哦，我的上帝，这倒霉的翻译腔
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